Here’s a pretty fundamental question: How do you get what you want into your life? “What you want” could be anything from the kind of people you want to associate or spend time with, to landing the ideal job, to your state of health, skills, hobbies, education/degrees, moods you experience, and much more.
I find that many people, including myself at times, simply put up with what they already have in their lives – they enjoy the things they like, and tolerate or resent the things they don’t. But we all also have had the experience of making positive changes, which can take the form of resolving to improve a relationship, lose weight, learn how to play a musical instrument, creating a culture of appreciation and celebration in the organizations we work for or lead, or anything else we desire. Yet even after we achieve a goal, we often struggle to apply the lessons of our triumph to reach other aspirations.
The best framework I ever heard about making progress towards “the life of your dreams” comes from retired bestselling author and leadership expert Dave Ellis. He encourages people to repeatedly go through a 3-step process that sounds simple and easy, but actually requires a lot of discipline and a supportive mindset. It is:
(1) Figure out what you want
(2) Get proud of it
(3) Ask for help in getting it
Most people don’t spend nearly enough time really digging into exactly what they want. Their objectives remain unarticulated or (even more often) rather vague. Yes, I want to travel more – but to where, how many days per year, in what kinds of ways, with whom, and why? Yes, I want a sports car, but am I concerned about the environment impact? If so, how do I incorporate that desire within the original one to come up with exactly what I want?
Getting clear on what you want takes more time than most people are willing to devote. But the next step is also crucial: once you figure out exactly what you want, get proud of wanting it! Too often, people, including myself, have some sense of guilt or shame about wanting something. In some cases, it may be that they really don’t want that particular thing, which means they should return to step one (“figure out what you want”). But more often, they just need to embrace a desire that might appear to some people as eccentric, indulgent, or just plain weird.
My advice: get over it! Yes, some people might consider some of your desires strange. In reality, most will make no judgement at all. At least a few will admire you for speaking openly about something you want that might seem out of the mainstream (and perhaps prompt them to embrace their own unusual desire). (Of course, I am talking here about desires that are not inherently unethical, immoral, or illegal.)
The third phase – which depends a lot on completing the second one successfully – is to start asking people for help in getting it. You will find that some people can’t or won’t help you, but a certain segment will take joy in helping you reach your goal, especially if you are clear about it and even more importantly, if you are proud of it. Just put it out there and let the universe respond with assistance!
Recently, I reached or put myself on course to reach several goals that had long seemed impossible or at least elusive. They are: getting solar panels put on our roof (which should generate 6700 kwh/year once installed in about 2 months), getting back to high intermediate conversational Spanish, publishing a paperback version of my book Small Loans, Big Dreams, finding a new teaching job at a highly ranked local university, and reducing my alcohol consumption to a level that most doctors consider safe (2 drinks/day on average).
In some cases, I had been kicking myself for years about not making any progress on these goals. Then, things fell into place when I changed my mindset and my methods, and (crucially) when I began asking for help (which in one case meant signing up for an online behavior modification app).
In a discussion with my a)plan coach, I felt a desire to build on this momentum and identified 2 other goals that have seemed elusive to me. Writing this blog post is in part an exercise in sharing those goals with my readers in order to elicit their support and assistance. They are finding a place, either as a paid consultant or as a volunteer in a meaningful role, in both of the following fields:
· election reform (ensuring that all American citizens can easily and safely vote and have our government be as responsive as possible to their expressed preferences) and
· climate change (ensuring that our planet gets serious soon about achieving a livable climate through reducing our collective carbon footprint and finding creative ways to remove heat-trapping gases from the atmosphere).
I would like to find a home or platform from which to add my talents and resources to both of these important movements, ideally starting this fall or winter, after which I will have completed a number of major projects related to other goals I am committed to.
I’ll be really happy and grateful if you can provide me with some advice or assistance in achieving these goals! So, if you can help me reach these objectives, please contact me.
At the same time, I hope you take on board the message of this blog post by spending some time figuring out what you want (while ignoring the voices in your head saying that those goals are unattainable), getting proud of it (while ignoring voices saying that it is inappropriate to desire those things), and then asking people (including me) for help in attaining them. And when you reach those goals, celebrate them and use them to build your confidence and momentum in identifying and achieving other goals that are meaningful to you and to the causes that you care about.