I have started to get messages from friends, family, and complete strangers about my new book, “When In Doubt, Ask for More.” As readers may know, this volume contains 214 life and career lessons I learned and that served me well. They are presented in alphabetical order.
One message came today from a former neighbor. She wrote, “I got through the A’s. Love love love it so far! Love that the tips are short, easy to read. The best A- ‘Advice is (often) unnecessary.’ I know this and it’s what I need. Made me think about what I do in those types of situations. Kudos to you!”
The lesson she referred to reads as follows: ”When a colleague, associate, or friend chooses to talk with you about some important and deeply personal issue they are wrestling with, don’t assume they want your advice. They probably don’t. Instead, your most valuable contribution is likely to be hearing them out, letting them know you understand their situation and feelings, and affirming your belief that they’ll ultimately make the right decision about how to handle it. Offering those three simple gifts can often do more to ensure a happy outcome than the most well-intentioned advice in the world.”
Once I learned this lesson, I applied it frequently in my personal and professional lives. But learning it took time.
On two occasions when I was around 20 years old, people close to me described a difficult situation they were in and a related decision they needed to make. Instead of doing what I usually did then (and would go on doing for many years into the future) – which was to provide them my advice – I simply listened and at the end said I was sure they would make the right choice. Both individuals came back to me years later and said how helpful I was to them in their moment of need.
But I didn’t fully adopt the wisdom of this lesson until I heard leadership expert Dave Ellis present it as one of his important teachings. (For more on his philosophy, check out Fallingawake.com and especially his book with the same title.) When he shared that idea in a workshop once, I immediately flashed back to those two examples I just mentioned. Something clicked, and I have never been the same — though of course I have on occasion made suggestions to people when they explicitly ask for them and I felt that my ideas could help.
Being reticent to offer advice, even if asked for it implicitly and especially if I have not been, has served me well over the years. Especially if you are prone to responding to people in need by spouting your best ideas about how they can deal with their situation, it may be worth a try.